sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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