My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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