When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
