you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
