talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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