I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
