i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
