Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
