when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
