Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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