Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
