Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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