Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
