no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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