she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
