man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
