My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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