If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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