I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The power of my boobs compel you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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