I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
