i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The air taste purple.
Randomize
