It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
