Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
