I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Come on in and take your pants off
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