Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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