After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
why do cheetos always look like penises
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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