I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
