I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your penis caused this!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
