so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
