I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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