i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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