I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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