She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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