so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
