I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
