Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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