About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
