Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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