I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
