I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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