i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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