I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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