i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
