You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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