My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
