She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
