Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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