i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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