Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
