At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
