i wish my penis had a tongue
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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