How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
